My dearest, sweet baby girl Esme,
Tomorrow I will do the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do (today, by the time you get this):
leave you in the care of someone else.
I don’t want to, but supporting our family is expensive, and Daddy and I have to work our jobs for 8 hours per day to make sure you have a home, clothes, insurance and food (for mommy, so I can make food for you).
My heart is breaking as I write this, thinking of what you might wonder:
“Is mommy gone?”
“Why is mommy leaving me here?”
“Will I see mommy again?”
“Why doesn’t mommy want to be with me all day?”
I DO want to be with you. Every minute.
But I can’t.
I will mis your smile, your joyful coos…
the way you look into my eyes that says all of the things your mouth cannot yet.
I will miss the way you soak me up like a sponge…the way you smell and the way you curl up sound asleep on my chest.
I will miss taking walks with you today, singing to you, reading to you, watching you sleep, and nursing you myself.
I will ache knowing that when you cry for me, it will not be me who answers you, and I fall to pieces at the thought that you might learn your cries no longer summon me, but someone else.
I will miss your sparkling blue eyes, the soft light brown tufts of your hair, your pudgy fingers that open and close over mine while you eat. I will miss your round belly and perfect soft feet, your rosebud lips curling into a smile, and the soft rise and fall of your breath while you’re dreaming.
But worst of all, I will miss seconds…
all of the seconds of the many minutes,
of the few hours
of the few days
of the few years
I get to call you my baby…
…before you are my girl, my young lady and my grown woman.
I mourn the time I already know I will never get back, and how unfair it is to you that it is this way.
In being a “good mom,” I suffer the burden of feeling like a terrible one.
Just know YOU ARE LOVED
with every beat of my heart,
breath in my lungs,
bat of my eye,
and thought in my mind.
You are precious beyond what precious even means.
I will come back for you every day, I promise. And Saturday and Sunday, I am all yours,
though know I’m YOURS ALWAYS.
I love you my sweet, sweet girl.
“Baby Bird” – Sarah Graybill
I let you go,
but send you with my love.
I trust the “out there,”
but let you loose aloft on
a breath of my love from “in here:”
in my heart of hearts,
my mothers heart,
that burns and aches
yearns and breaks
my baby bird.